Pregnancies

So everyone I know is pregnant or just had a baby, and to tell you the truth it hurts. Every time I hear someone else is pregnant or they have their baby it reminds me that Ben and I can't have a baby right now. I fear we'll never be able to have children of our own and it scares me. I want nothing more than to be pregnant and have a baby on the way. The thing that hurts the most is when people say "well just have a baby" like its so easy, and we're not trying or want one. I think I would rather have someone just stab me than remind me that I can't have children of my own. So now every time I hold a new baby or hear someone is pregnant I cry, and honestly, I become very, very jealous. Then I hear people are pregnant, and they choose to get an abortion. That one kills me. I hate them a little because all they would have to do is say take my baby, and I would. I know a couple other families that would too, but they can't carry the baby for nine months..... It just blows my mind. So if I seem to hate you, I really don't. I'm just jealous because you are starting your family while I'm going to doctors and hoping that someday I'll be able to have my own little family.

Disappointment

So for those of you who don't know me and Ben can't have sex...... I have/had (I don't know anymore) endometriosis, and it makes it very painful for me. We went to the doctor back in October, and I had surgery. We were hoping this would fix everything. Well it didn't. Or it did and because of all of the trauma, I think it hurts when it really doesn't. Either way I'm disappointed. I was so excited that this might have fixed everything and we would finally be able to start our family, and it didn't. We're exactly where we were a year and 5 months ago only with a hospital bill. Everywhere I look everyone is getting pregnant or just had a baby, and I feel so much pressure from my family and friends and even myself to start having babies that I get really upset knowing that I can't. Ben's been great through all of this... if there is one person who hasn't pressured me through this its him. He's so patient and wants to make sure I'm ok before I have a baby inside of me. But even with him being such a great husband I still feel like no one understands and I'm all alone. Like this is some big lie to get out of sex or not have children or something. I hate feeling like it could be all in my head. It makes me feel crazy.Like this whole thing has me so upset and disappointed I've thought about going to see a counselor about it, and I HATE counselors. It just scares me to think that me and Ben will never be able to have children....and if we do it will have to be with fertility treatments and then there is the chance of multiples....and honestly multiples scare me. I think I could have twins and be ok but anything more than that I would go crazy. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me and how to fix it so we could start our family.....

Wisdom Teeth

So or those of you who don't know, I had my wisdom teeth out on February 3. I wasn't afraid except for the shots. I HATE shots. I actually told Ben that I want to have our children naturally so I don't have to get any shots.Anyways, the dentist office had squeezed us in and they said if they were easy they would pull them that day and if they were going to be more work they would pull them the next day. When we got to the dentist office I was freaking out about the shot so much they had to give me a Valium.  They took the panoramic x-ray, and put me in a chair. The dentist then looked at my teeth and he was like these are going to be a piece of cake, and he would pull them that day.They started me on the laughing gas, and after a little bit the dental assistant started to think she might have it up a little too much. I told her I don't care and to keep it where it was. The dentist then came in, and I was afraid they were going to kick Ben out. Luckily, since we know the dentist and he knows Ben wants to be an orthodontist he said that Ben was required to watch or to pick another career. I then put in some headphones and held Ben's hand and the dentist started numbing me up and gave me the shots. When he got done he told me to raise my hand if I felt any pain, and he would numb me up some more. He started pulling on my left side, and I could feel it, not a lot but just enough that it hurt. When he got the tooth at he looked at my face, and he knew I could feel it. I told him to just keep going because I don't want anymore shots. He finished up on the left and went to the right side. I could feel the right side really bad, and he stopped in the middle of one tooth to see if I wanted more shots. I told him I was good. He finished pulling them out, and then started talking to Ben about everything that had happened at that since they were so easy I would heal a lot faster. I only bled for about 2 hours and I only kept ice packs on for about 10 minutes on each side. The next day I had very little swelling no bruising and I could talk!!! :D I took advil because that took care of the pain! I am so happy they went so easy and there were no problems. And I'm glad Ben got to watch cuz he feels more comfortable about being able to do that now.

Update from the other half... Okay.. Maybe not quite half.

Hi. My name is Ben. And I haven't posted yet. I decided tonight that since it's technically Ben and Mikayla's Blog, I should probably post every once in a while. To update everybody, we're kinda hanging out until we move to Idaho as soon as my job is over. That's supposed to be in Mid-February. So now it's kind of a waiting game until that's over and we can run. Alaska's great and all, but.... life needs to get started, and we're just spinning our wheels right now. We're still waiting to hear back about if I got into UNC or not. Not quite sure what we're gonna do if I don't... but oh well. We're gonna work out the details when we see what cards we're dealt. Mikayla is still pretty much awesome.... and she's an amazing wife. For the record. She's relaxing at home and learning new recipes and all kinds of cool stuff. I'm getting fat.... so I should probably quit my job as the unofficial taste tester... she doesn't know where half her ingredients go when she's trying to cook. Like she used a tube of sausage on a pizza she made..... well... cooked a tube of sausage. Maybe half of the tube actually got to its intended destination... hahaha. She's really getting tired of waiting for life to happen, too. That's kinda why we're just gonna start moving and figuring things out as we go. Anyone got any better ideas? Oh, in other news, our rockin cousin Heather is getting married! We're so excited! She's pretty cool. I guess. Anyways, that's about all that's going on with us right now. Not much has changed, but we're hoping to fix that soon. Hope everyone's doing great! Oh, and happy late New Years!

Emotions

So I might just be whining for this entire post but I feel safe on here and like this is my blog to say what I want and not have people degrading my thoughts........so if you have any negative comments its best you leave them to yourself....because I might lose it on you....

I've been feeling very lonely lately....like I have Ben but other than that I feel like we are just left to take care of ourselves and we don't matter much to anyone anymore..... Like getting married just made me feel like now you're a big kid take care of yourself. All these people are getting help with school and housing and laptops for school and all this stuff, and I know that me and Ben are solely responsible for both of our schooling, housing, and a laptop for Ben....and its just overwhelming.... And this may sound greedy but I just wish sometimes that I got the same financial support as some of our other siblings because it would make life a whole lot easier and less stressful.....I've been putting off going back to school for so long because I'm afraid of the debt. I know that Ben has to go to school and I know that his student loans alone are going to be at least half a million....easily closer to a million....and that scares me.....so I guess I just wish that we would receive some help....and I know that there are scholarships and financial aid and we are definitely going to get as much financial aid as we can and we are working on scholarships but its just stressful....... and so I'm afraid to start school till I know I will graduate close to when Ben does so that it is easier to pay off any student loans that I have to take out. I appreciate everything that our families have helped us out with but I feel like since we got married at such a young age we got jipped a little. Like I was going to have my first semester of college paid for if I was still single but I decided I would rather get married and pay for it myself than let Ben go. I guess I'm just sick of feeling like I got the short end of the stick because it makes me feel like I'm not as important as everyone else or there is something wrong with me or something.

On a brighter note..... Me and Ben officially have insurance again!!!! Which means I can finally get my wisdom teeth ripped out and my teeth semi fixed.....also only 20 more days and we find out if Ben made it into UNC.......and the best news of all............drum roll please......... We are moving out of Alaska soon!!! :D  :D